This is not where I thought I'd be today.
This morning at Grace Southwood, the message was about Psalm 90 and seeking the refuge of God. Trey Corry spoke about how important honesty is to the act of seeking God, and how we need to be honest about our need for Him.
Honestly, I need refuge.
I truly believed that I would spend this summer preparing to start a job as a school administrator in the fall- and a lot of well-meaning people told me the same thing. I thought along with that, our family could be moving into a new home.
None of these things are happening.
Instead, I have had only one interview for admin, one interview for instructional coach and got neither. Plus, our AC has had to be replaced, as well as tires on the car, and an unexpected grad school payment was required. And because I stepped down from being a Student Council sponsor, I'm getting a pay cut.
A lot of well-meaning people have told me that it's all in God's timing.
The anxiety brought on by all of these setbacks has truly begun to weigh on me. Add to that some instances where people I trusted did things that led to a loss of trust.
I have trust issues. When my trust is broken, often, so is the relationship. That is bad enough when it's other people, but when I feel it is tough to trust God, this is a big issue.
I have been trying to tackle all these things- career, finances, relationships- on my own.
It is crushing me.
Now to Psalm 90 and the sermon. The theme was that God is our refuge. But in the midst of that psalm we see that often God thwarts our efforts so that we turn to Him.
It's how He works with me. He allows me to be torn down from trusting in myself. It hurts. The image that comes to mind is that of a person standing outside their home in the midst of a hail storm, trying to dodge the stones. Safety is just feet away, but it requires the person to trust in the house (place of refuge) and be honest with themselves that they need the refuge.
But we stand in the hail until we are beaten and weakened.
I'm not where I thought I'd be. But I am tired of standing in the hail. I want to choose the refuge of God once again. It is a simple and impossible thing all at once. To trust in God when you have trust issues. To trust in God when you can't see the endgame.
It is simple and impossible and it is the most important thing to do.
It's faith. It's hope. It's love.
I must have faith in the refuge, hope in His plan, and accept His love.
Every day.
