Fellowship?

Fellowship. Community. Small groups. Accountability partners. 

Whatever your buzzword, the thing those words are searching for is perhaps the most vital thing for a Christian- apart from Christ Himself. Without Him, you cannot find them. Without them, you will falter, you will fall. 

For five years, Kristin and I were part of our church plant the Gate. We had great times together with our fellow church goers. There was fun, there were lots of deep conversations, there was shared grief and shared joy. There were tough times and happy times. We talked about doing life together by keeping in constant contact via social media, we met for coffee weekly in smaller groups, we met in a home for weekly Bible studies and at the bar our church called home on Sunday nights. 

Most would call this fellowship, community or whatever your buzzword is.   

But it was missing something. 

When the Gate ended, Kristin and I began a search for a church. We've been involved with two great churches. They have many of the same things the Gate did, but they too are missing something. 

Philippians 3:10-11 NIV, italics mine

 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation     (some translations say fellowship) in his sufferings,becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Yes, we suffered with each other in tough times. We cried when there was loss,w we comforted when there was sickness and fear. 

But that is not the suffering being referred to here. 

Jesus' sufferings on the cross- the subject of this verse- was about dying so that others might live. 

What does that even mean to us today?

Well, I think it means we go to battle for each other. We pray for each other when there is need, we confront each other when there is sin, and we walk with each other when one is stumbling. 

Our biggest failure in the Gate was this. We did not call out wrong actions. We did not walk closely with each other when one struggled.

If I am willing to share my sin openly, and no one offers to walk with me in that struggle- is it fellowship?  Is it any better if someone offers, but when it gets tough, they 'lose track' or 'it slips their mind?'  Is it ok to overlook sin so that we can keep being "church friends?"

My experience is that these are the failings of the modern church. I know I have overlooked sin to keep from alienating people I was pastoring. I know I have shared my struggles, and not hand an offer to help- or gotten an offer that was half-hearted. I did have one friend who stuck it out, but we moved churches and I stopped pressing the need for support. 

If fellowship is to make us more like Christ- we must be willing to die to ourselves. We must be willing to risk relationships to say the hard thing. We must be willing to sacrifice time to walk with those who need counsel. We must look at church fellowship as closer to the Fellowship of the Rings than an episode of Friends. 

Fellowships are dangerous. Yes, the "coffee talks" and hanging out are still necessary parts of fellowship, but without the willingness of all parties to walk the tough roads together, it is just a social club. 

Fellowships don't always last. Sometimes they are there for a certain season of our lives. When the need they met, the struggle they aided in passes, it ends. A new fellowship- or at least somewhat altered fellowship- must form. 

Fellowships are intimate. AKA dangerous again. True fellowship is open and honest. That means they are messy. Sometimes personalities clash, or one part wants to dig theologically into things while others want to talk about how their day sucked. There will be conflicts, but they can serve to strengthen the individual and the group. 

When the Gate ended, I felt that I was done with the ministry.  For the last two and a half years, my spiritual journey has been a crawl. So I never thought God would call me to lead out again. 

But he is. 

Kristin and I are praying about something. It's similar but different from roads we've walked before. It would be starting something, but it would lack formality. It would look like this:

•It would be at our home. 

•It would be VERY informal. 

•It would strive to answer the needs in this post- and others not stated here. 

We would just gather to seek God with any who want to ask the questions we are asking. I've learned I do not have the answers. But Jesus does. So I've decided to ask Him those questions. 

Who wants to join me?

The Danger of Christian Fame

 3 You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?   4 For when one says, "I follow Paul," and another, "I follow Apollos," are you not mere human beings?

1 Corinthians 3:3-4

Yesterday, I was browsing Twitter and came across a retweet of a writer I do not follow that had a link to a blog from a very well known (and generally well-liked) writer who was lamenting that she had been called a heretic by a young woman on Twitter. The blog- by Beth Moore- goes on to point out that it is a sad state today that young people are so freely tossing around that weighty word simply because some pastor or writer they follow said it. 

I think Beth Moore is right, but she is missing something as well. I'll get to what she is missing in a bit. 

She is right because we do that. We listen to or read from people that we have come to respect. They have people they disagree with, and when they share that, we, being fans, disagree with as well. By proxy. But we often take it to another level. A disagreement between to people becomes a war between their followers. 

My theory is that this happens because we have turned church leaders into celebrities. The ancient Greeks had their gods. These gods were very human like- petty, driven by desires they struggled to control, jealous, unfaithful; generally a soap opera. Greeks had their favorites, and I'm sure they often argued with each other over which god was right. 

We do not have Greek gods. We have celebrities. Our celebrities have feuds and we pick sides. And we Christians have celebrities. They feud, too. We also pick sides. We do not look at the facts, in many cases. We simply restate, with more vitriol, what our celebrity said. We do this because have identified ourselves with that celebrity, and we fight for them because we feel that connection to them. 

Like in the Corinthians passage I opened with, when Christians do this, we are being worldly. We are like the ancient Greeks, or those who incessantly argue who is better:  Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, Katy Perry or Lady Gaga?

The Greeks defended gods who could not defend themselves. We defend celebrities who can, but too often, it seems they choose not to.  This is where I think Beth Moore missed something. Some writers- not saying this is Beth Moore, by the way- seem to enjoy the controversy their feud stirs up. It's free press. A legitimate concern about an opinion another leader expressed becomes slanderous and accusatory, and the originator of the complaint lets it keep going. Maybe they are not aware, or maybe they are. 

It is incumbent upon Christian leaders and writers to be aware that we live in a time of conflict. Our world has an us versus them mentality. If we call someone out, even if it is justified, we must be aware that our words may have a potency we are not expecting. 

I also think it is time for Christian leaders to actively reject the air of celebrity around them. Jesus is getting lost in that air of celebrity- and I realize that is not the intent of the Christian leaders, but are they speaking out against it loudly enough?  When Purpose Driven Life was at its peak of popularity, the merchandising was out out of control- pens, calendars, stickers, stationary all bore the symbol. (I was half expecting a line of Purpose Driven Cars.). Every Man's Battle was a hit a long line of books bearing the title Every______'s Battle flooded out. I've heard numerous accounts that the authors of these books took very little in the way of compensation, but did they realize the air of celebrity they were promoting?  Should they have?  (Just to be clear, I am not attacking these people, just using their work as an example of how we can be caught up in celebrity and fads, and how leaders should be aware of the power they hold.)

Lest you think this admonition is simply for actual famous church leaders- it is also for the local church leaders. Like it or not, you can be a type of celebrity in your church or even your community. I've experienced it. At first it is uncomfortable. Then you realize you can use it to spread Jesus. But if you are not careful, it can become about keeping your "fame" as much or more than it is about Jesus. 

Christians using fame to spread Jesus is not wrong. Fame is a tool. But without caution, a tool can harm you and others. If you are not focused on using a circular saw, it can get away from you and cut off a finger- or harm someone near you. Your words, your opinions, your fame is a powerful saw. If people listen to you- mind your manner of sharing information. If you feel your words are being taken beyond their intent- put a stop to it. If you are angry and you are justified in an accusation, make sure that the manner in which you share it is completely Biblical- not human (see Corinthians above).

Soundtrack

I'm no musician. I quite literally cannot sing and clap at the same time. But I love music. More than that, I need music. 

But then, don't we all?  I mean, the power of music can inspire and uplift, push you further than you thought you could go. "Eye of the Tiger" or almost any song from AC/DC's "Back in Black" album while working out is great incentive to go the extra lap or lift the last the rep. Louie Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" or John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" while coming over the crest of a mountain is just right. 

I've found that music challenges me to deeper introspection. The last few albums from Switchfoot have particularly moved me in a way I've not felt in a long time. I feel a kinship with "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas and David Crowder songs in equal measure. 

Why is this?  Why does a driving beat or lyrically interesting chorus have so much power over our emotions?  I believe the answer  lies in the fact that as humans we are meant to crave creativity. We are made to make things, designed to seek answers- but when answers don't come easy, I think music soothes us to help us understand. Music frees us to open our mind to the spiritual, to the complicated, and to the possibilities. The possibilities we can do something epic, that we can push ourselves further, that we can believe in the unbelievable. 

Music helps me have faith. It often surprises me by revealing God when I don't know how to find Him. Music sometimes asks the question I don't know how to ask. 

Music helps me teach- I love to put the concepts I teach to music to help students get the ideas. And it's just plain fun. 

Music helps me stay healthy. It really does motivate and inspire me. 

And a Roadtrip without music is just plain painful. But you really must pick the right soundtrack. 

Music is called the "soundtrack" of our lives. You've seen a little of mine- what is yours?

4 a.m.Wake Up Call

A word of warning, what I'm about to say should be weighted with the fact that it is around 4:30 in the morning and I was woken up with a pressing feeling that I needed to process some stuff with God and that I needed to use this medium to do it.

The truth is, I have no idea what I'm about to say.  Part of that, a large part, actually, is because for some time now, I have not really known how to process God.  Or address Him with others.  Around this time seven years ago, God called me, my family and some friends to start a church in College Station.  It meant moving and beginning a new career outside of full-time ministry.  And for a time, everything went smoothly.  Then they didn't.  I wrote it off as part of the struggle of pursuing God in a novel and challenging way.  And I could deal with it.

Because God was messy and unsafe.

I'd been influenced by a lot of writers who spoke of God in this way.  Guys like John Eldredge and Donald Miller.  They made these complexities and dangers of following God sound thrilling and exciting, and like the answers that I would find out  about who God really was and who I really was with Him would make all things clear.  They wrote about not looking for non-existent formulas for finding and serving God, while inadvertently (I believe), and ironically writing a new kind of formula for finding God.  Their formula called for us to look at God in non-traditional ways- and often to look for Him in shocking ways.

Now, I do not want to put out that there that I think these guys- and others- are doing anything wrong.  But I do not think I was guarding my heart as much as I should have.

I started looking for ways to serve God that were non-traditional and sometimes shocking- at least compared to what I used to.  Acceptance became a buzzword for me.  I accepted people as they were.  I accepted their lifestyles, and their struggles in an attempt to not alienate them, to engage with them and draw them to our church.  This is not, in and of itself, bad.  But again, I did not guard myself.  Because when one goes about accepting others with all their sin and baggage, if you are not careful, you begin to let your guard down about the sins in your own life.  You begin to think, "We've all got sin, I'm no different.  So, I can tolerate a little of my sin if I am tolerating and dealing with their sin."  I say "you begin to think-" maybe it is just me.

And the thing is, when you begin to let even the thought that a little sin in your own life is OK, you begin to deny the truth of God.  And when you deny the truth of God that no sin is OK, your relationship starts to suffer.  Now we are called to accept others as they are- that is unquestionable and a lesson Jesus taught us constantly.  But we are NEVER to tolerate sin in our own lives- not because of some obligation or standard we must meet- but because if we love God, we should hate sin.   Proverbs 8:13 says :  "To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech."  

But I was not hating evil in my own life.  I had allowed my acceptance and attempt love others with all their faults, and -this is key- my going out of my way to not offend people with my faith to allow me to start making apologies for my beliefs about what God is calling me and others to a life of.  I always say that God does not expect the non-Christians to live like Christians.  This is true, but we need to remember what and who Christians stand for, and not apologize for Him.

But- and this is the hard truth-  He does expect Christians to live like Christ.

That means that hand in hand with Jesus saying to each person He met:  "You are forgiven," He also tells us to "Go and sin no more."

Why?  Why does it matter so much that we should strive for a life of sinlessness?  I believe it is because sin, no matter how small of an amount, places strain on our relationship with God.  It allows cracks to build in our foundational beliefs in God- That He is Truth, and that He is Good.  When things fall apart because we have allowed sin in, we question if God really cares.  I mean, we only sin a little, but life is more difficult than it should be for the level of sin we engage in.

An example:  I have a habit of leaving Styrofoam cups around the house.  I like them because they are the best thing I've found for keeping my drink cool.  One or two here and there are not so bad.  But over a relatively short period of time, there are a dozen.  This causes strain between my wife and I  because my one little cup never stays just one little cup.  In fact, right now, there are about five by my bedside.  Another example in the dish-related analogy:  We can never just leave one dirty dish in the sink.  The dishwasher is full of clean dishes, and if we do not clean it out and make way for the dirty dishes, we just put a dish in the sink.  Over a short time, the sink fills up, even when we have finally emptied the dishwasher because the habit has formed.  Only when we run out of the important stuff do we finally-usually- clean up the situation.  Last night, I used a serving spoon to eat the last of the Blue Bell Dutch Chocolate- while this may in fact be the best way to eat any variety of Blue Bell, this is not indicative of a good clean dish situation.

I personally began to tolerate sin in my own life.  And then I began to experience difficulties which are natural to any believer.  Then, because the sin in my life was not being cleaned out and dealt with, I began to blame God.  I began to doubt God.  Then, when things got really bad and I didn't have a job and finding a new one was not easy, and then it got harder to pay the bills- I stopped believing God cared.  

Even when things got better and I got a new job, then later, I got my current job (Which has me as happy as I have been in my career as I've ever been) I still did not/do not feel like giving God credit.  I feel distant from God, even now.  There are moments- like now, when He woke me up at 4 a.m. with a pressing need to emotionally vomit this all out- that I hear Him and feel Him.  But these moments are rare. 

And by the way, "words of affirmation" that take on the form of  just trust in Him, or "God is Good," or "Fully Rely on God" (and any other 'helpful' advice in the form of an acronym) do not help.  They just tick me off.  Because they are part of that formula Eldredge and Miller talked about- which by the way, they were right about.  These phrases have become "abracadabra" for Christians- we say them and we feel better, even if they do not actually help the hurting.

The truth is, I still believe in God and attempt to trust Him because I believe, deep down somewhere, that I need to.  That I cannot live without Him.  But it is daily an effort to pray or read the Bible.  I want to see things with fresh eyes, to be reinvigorated.  I want God to show up.  And a lot of people will say that it is not His responsibility to come to us- He did that in the form of Jesus once.

But there is precedent for Him to continue to pursue us- Paul was chased down and blinded by God, Philip was sent after an Ethiopian, today we send missionaries to reveal God to people.  I want God to reveal Himself.  It makes me more like Gideon than I'd like to be, laying out my fleece and making demands- but God still answered him and he went on to do pretty well for himself.  And he honored God.

So, to sum up: I am trying to find that delicate balance of accepting others with all their sin and not letting myself fall into sin of my own.  I am trying to find a way to take a firm stand for Christ, and I am beginning that attempt by trying to relearn to trust God.  I want God to reveal Himself- in a positive, life-affirming way. A way that is clearly of God so that I cannot write it off as human kindness or skill.

I love God, but like any relationship, it is not easy.  My failings and fears and doubts have gotten in the way.  And to be honest, that whole "mystery of God" thing is cool at times, and frustrating at others.  I am on a journey, and right now, it is hard.  It has been rough road for the last 2-3 years.  I need healing, and for the first time in a while, I am actively trying to find that spiritual healing.  This blog entry is an attempt at that.

Hopefully it made sense.  If it did, great.  If not, it was probably more for me than anyone else anyway.

The Things a Teacher Learns

It was a little over eleven months ago that I walked out of my interview at South Knoll Elementary for a Math Lab Assistant position and felt it went well.  Within in the hour, I was called and offered the job.  It was an awesome moment of relief and at the same time two sudden fears:

I'm terrified of little kids.

And how exactly does one teach small children the concept of long division?

I wanted to get into education anywhere I could to see if teaching was what I wanted to really do.  I figured I'd do the paraprofessional thing for a year or so, get certified if I liked it, and try to teach High School when that was done.  I just had to survive all the hugging that was coming my way at an elementary school (See this post for more on that statement).  It took me only a few weeks to decide teaching is where I was meant to be, so I started my certification early.  My "student teaching" would my every day job.  And along the way, I'd learn far more than I ever could have learned from any certification or classroom.

Lessons from Teachers
On my first day, I received a standing ovation from Mr. Weir- the only male educator on the campus until I arrived.  It was a good start.  And it was the kind of reception I got from everyone at South Knoll- they were welcoming and glad I was there with them.

They were encouraging and helpful, and I learned so much from them about more than just how to teach a lesson.  I learned from example after example just what "teacher voice" is.  I learned that sometimes a lesson takes a backseat to a student who just needs someone to be present in their life for a few minutes.

I learned that the best teachers don't always have the quietest classrooms, but they do have the most engaged.  I learned that even the best teachers have a bad day, and they stay the best teachers because they allow the students to see their regret over their mistakes.

I learned the best correction is sometimes to not raise a voice, but to simply give the student a look (a soul piercing one, but a look nonetheless).  I learned that teaching is not a solo sport, its a team-a family- event.

I learned that to be a teacher is take on not the burden of lesson plans and discipline and schedules, but to take on the calling of being a light of encouragement and hope and integrity to students who may not get it anywhere else.

Lessons from Lunch Duty
 I was assigned lunch duty.  The looks of pity from the teachers and aides were very telling.  As if that weren't enough, I got some "I'm sorry" comments as well.  The first days weren't so bad.  I kinda enjoyed it.

By the second six weeks, I realized that one lunch duty is not bad.  Two is not bad.  But the cumulative effect of lunch duty is in fact catastrophic.  I will have nightmares for years to come.

I learned that the idea to start off strict and lighten up as the year goes along is a great theory.  I also learned that it still won't matter in the last few weeks of school.  If I had a helmet and bulletproof vest, I'd wear it.

I learned that lunch duty is where problems are worse in the eyes of students- but it is also a place where good and meaningful conversations can be had with students.  It is where I really got to know the students, and in turn, they got to know me.

I learned that apparently, boys and girls discover each other in the 3rd grade.  As my oldest daughter is going into 3rd grade next year, I am preparing.  And stockpiling.  I'll leave that part vague.

I learned that some classes are great together, and others are at war constantly.  And for that second group, no manner of rearrangement of seating charts will help.

In the movies, you know how when one person vomits, then EVERYONE vomits?  I learned that is a real thing.  And I learned from Nurse Mullet that it is called vominoes.

I learned from Jesus the Custodian that apparently spaghetti has a greater mass than other foods, so you only fill the trashcan half full.

I learned that you want to wear jackets in the cafeteria, not because it is cold, but because the waterproofing makes the food slide right off.

On waffle days, everything is sticky.  Everything.

Lessons from Students
Some students are happy and excited no matter what- they make life easy.  Some students are angry and broken- and it hurts because they are so young and have no sign of that childhood innocence that I remember so clearly.

It is terribly difficult to teach a concept that is like second nature to you now to someone who has never seen it before.  ( For example, explaining what 'before' means.  Or long division.)

The younger the student, the more unabashedly honest they are.  About you anyway.  Kindergarten and Pre-K teachers must have the thickest skin on earth.

Conversely, some kids never say a single thing you can believe.  Teachers become pretty good lie detectors.

It is really important to listen to what kids say.  It goes a long way toward helping you understand how to reach them.

You know those "It's Not Complicated" AT&T commercials where the guy asks little kids questions and they give crazy answers?  Every. Day. Of. My. Life.

Some days, a kid just needs someone to sit there with them while they try to process something that they are going through.  On those days, that is the lesson you need to teach, that someone is there and cares.

Moving On
My tenure with the little ones will only be for this one year.  In the fall of 2013, I will be a Social Studies teacher at College Station High School.  I know the kids will be bigger, and the hugs fewer, but my time in the world of elementary education was instrumental in preparing me for this new challenge.  There will be new obstacles, new attitudes, new objectives- but at the heart, the goal is the same:

Reach the students at all costs.

During my time in the ministry, I used to say that God meets people where they are, and so should we.  As a teacher, we are tasked with meeting students where they are, finding out who they are and how to challenge them to greater things.  The teachers and staff of South Knoll do that every day.  I look forward to finding out how the educators of CSHS meet their students where they are.

Because, see, I see my teaching career as my ministry now.  It is a ministry that forces me to rely on living out the principles of my faith instead of preaching them.  It requires me to share my compassion and concern for others, rather than talk about it.  I must demonstrate sacrifice instead of teach a lesson on it.

I pray that the students I have worked with and will work with- as well as the teachers I have worked with and will work with- see that about me.  I want to be a teacher of character not so I can be lauded and praised, but so that students- and teachers- will be inspired to strive on.  I want all I encounter to find a path to greater things.

As a Christian, I want my students and other teachers to know Christ because I have lived as He did- or at least attempted rely on grace to live that way.  I want others to know I've loved and cared for them by my actions.

Perhaps that goal is not exclusive to teachers.  Perhaps we all could strive to let our sharing of Christ be as much or more in our actions than our words.

I have learned from the teachers in my life that teaching is not about "just the facts."  We are to teach students to ask the harder questions, to dig deeper, to form opinions.  We are to give them the kindling and/or the fuel to light a fire of inspiration to grow in knowledge...and character.

The most important thing I've learned this year- above all else- is this:

Teachers who care help build- sometimes only by a brick or two- into the lives of students every day.  And every student leaves an impression and a lesson on their teachers.  Education is not a one way street- we are all learning together.

The second most important thing:

Getting hugs aren't so bad after all.

Daddy Daughter Date

My life is filled with women.

I work at an elementary school- no further explanation needed there.

And at home, there is my wife, two girls, and a female dog.  I do have two male cats.  Well, they used to be, anyway.

I've come to accept this fact of life, and as often as I can, I escape to guy pursuits, like collecting action figures and reading comics, watching Aggie football, punching a punching bag, and, when possible, playing sports with other guys.  That last one happens, well, almost never.

Sometimes, this routine of my life gets to have a little bit of special-ness to it.  Tonight is one of those times.

Around Valentine's Day, Chick Fil A has a Daddy Daughter Dinner.  You make a reservation, they seat you, get your drinks, take your order and serve you at your table.  It is a chance for a dad to show his daughter how a date should treat her.

My girls are far too young for the dating thing- they aren't even 30 yet- but it's still good practice for me to show my eight and six year old girls how a gentleman should act.  It starts with a rose at the door, and then opening doors to cars and the restaurant, pulling out their chair as they are seated.  And generally making them feel the world revolves around them.

Because for that hour or so, it does.

The most important part of the evening is not, however, teaching them what a good date acts like.

The most important part of the evening is slowing down, and enjoying the presence of two young ladies who are more special to their mother and I than they know.  It is looking into their sweet, little faces and feeling a tiny stab of recognition that they will not stay this way long.  It is savoring the smiles and giggles as they make an ice cream sundae and I accidentally almost squirt them with whipped cream.   It is holding their tiny hands as we cross the street, not because they need me, but because I need them.

Yes, my world is filled with women.  But these two, they are my responsibility, my calling.  To love them, to protect them, and to teach them about how they should be treated.  And in return, they teach about being loved and trusted in ways I will never deserve.  They have so much of their mother in them, in that way.

If you are the father to little girls:  ask your daughters out to dinner sometime, listen as they tell you about their day, watch every movement as they twirl around in their "poofy dresses," and snuggle with them on the couch as your drink your morning coffee.

They are your responsibility.

Your calling.

And one of the most special experiences a man can have.

Never take them for granted.

Cats Versus Water

What our cats- and we- do for fun.