Now, most of the hike was uneventful. The 10 year old- Leslie- suffers from asthma, but we brought along an oxygen canister (that you can buy on Amazon, FYI), so periodic hits and lots of rest was doing her well. The 8 year old-Kenna-, meanwhile, was doing amazing. She was flying up the mountain just fine.
At around 13,500, it got steep. Leslie started to have more trouble. The breaks became longer. The oxygen hits became more frequent.
At 13,800, a dog that was on the hike with her master and no leash ran up to and knocked down Kenna. Twice. The miracle is that the dog survived. Kenna was scared and getting her much higher up was going to be difficult.
We got to right around 14,000, when it became clear the girls were showing signs of altitude sickness and an unwillingness to go on. I must admit, I was upset. This was supposed to be a family thing, we were ALL going to summit. Now, the summit was in sight, and we were not going to make it.
My wife, Kristin, looked at me and told me to go on. I was torn, I wanted to summit, but I did not want to do it alone. We argued back and forth about it for a minute, then finally she convinced me to finish it.
So, I did.
I realized that there would have been no way for my kids to make it the last 48 feet of elevation in their condition. It strained me, and I took a long time to move very small distances. The view was spectacular, but I was still disappointed because my family was not there to share it. Some of the other people at the summit- there were six of us altogether- urged me to savor the moment, my first fourteener. I did, but the spots down the trail that were my family began to move to a lower elevation. So I headed down.
What is most important?
It wasn't until a couple days later, on the drive home, that God spoke about why I had to finish it alone.
--I love my family. I want them to be involved in all things in my life, because they give it meaning and purpose. My great moment on the mountain was lessened because they were not with me.
God showed me that I had placed my family in front of Him.
--I was not taking that moment to marvel in God's Creation because I was thinking about them- and Kristin was totally capable of taking care of them at that moment.
God also showed me that my desire to include my family in this endeavor may have been rooted more in selfishness than genuine desire to share a moment with them. I wanted them there, regardless of what they wanted.
--Finally, God showed me that sometimes- despite what the Church is always teaching us about fellowship- God wants us to go it alone. Moses on Sinai, David versus Goliath, Elijah on Mt. Carmel, Jesus seeking solitude, Jesus in the Desert, Jesus on the Cross.
I used to have no problem going it alone, but I realize that now I have come to point where in my spiritual walk, I do not ever go it alone- I go with someone, or I do not go at all.
You're not alone
The David Crowder*Band had a song called Only You, that includes the lyrics
"And It's just you and me here now
Only you and me here now"
God desires our full attention, even when we are not alone with him. God has been demanding my full attention for a while now, but I have been focused on other things- good things most of the time, but things that are not Him.
My reaching the summit of Handies Peak should not have been diminished at all because I was alone.
Because I wasn't alone.
He was there, He was encouraging me to finish, and I have no doubt that, when I realized what He was teaching me days later, He was pleased.
Now when I look back at the moment of the summit, it is with joy. When I remember the views and the vistas, I worship Him.
I am proud of my family. The kids made it farther than most kids that age- and despite the issues, they loved it and want to do more. Kristin sacrificed her shot at the summit to care for them so I could enjoy it. She probably has no idea how much that matters to me.
The lesson I learned here is simple: as a spiritual leader in my home and my community, I must sometimes go farther, and do so alone, so that I might commune with God in order to lead as He has called me. It is not easy, it can be strenuous, but I MUST go forth.
In Lord of the Rings, Aragorn is introduced as a man who goes it alone, but he goes it alone in all the trails except the one that leads him to be the King he was meant to be. It is not until the Fellowship is formed and then breaks that he realizes he alone must move forward to his kingship.
The Fellowship gave him reason to reach his summit, as my family and any who are a part of my faith community give me reason. It is also said of Aragorn, "Not all those who wander are lost."
I still wander, but I know that which I seek.
I am not lost.
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