When I was sixteen years old, the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year of high school, I stood atop the highest peak on Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park. It was 12,183 feet. I was one of the first of my group to reach the top- about 100 yards from road to peak- and was the last to leave.
It was the first time I remember the sensation of feeling truly alive.
I felt spiritually and physically closer to God. The view was spectacular, the air thin, and the wind bitingly cool for July. I vividly remember this moment today, some nineteen years later.
In fact, much of those nineteen years have been in pursuit of things that make me feel alive. You might say that that moment was the birth of the adrenaline junkie in me. Visits to mountains or the Grand Canyon found me hopping from rock to rock, looking for the most extreme view that often made my companions nervous. I run Warrior Dashes, I make house painting more exciting by reaching a little to far out from the ladder or roof, I relish the rush of fear and anticipation before speaking to groups and my classes.
I want to pursue things that make me feel alive.
I believe that deep in all our hearts, we have this desire. I also believe that it is put there by God, we understand and feel His love the most when we are most alive- the Biblical "veil" between us and God becomes thinnest when we do what makes us feel alive. Whether it is being a parent to child, cleaning a house, writing/singing a song, painting, acting, doing math, or any number of things- these things that you do that make you come alive also allow God to reveal things to you.
Since the summer of 1996, I have pursued that same feeling of being alive in all my endeavors. I have come to believe that the most important thing we can do in life, is live it.
Colorado 2015
Our family's recurring vacation location is Lake City, Colorado.
Here is a video I made of our trip, if you want images to go with this story:)
Nestled in a valley at about 8,500 foot elevation, it is surrounded by mountains that tower over most on the continental US. One nearby mountain is Handies Peak, elevation 14,048 feet above sea level. A 14'er, as they call them. Four years ago we attempted to summit it, and were pushed back by a summer sleet storm at 13,000 feet. Oh, and a four year old and a six year old.
For four years, we have dreamed to making the summit. At least, I have. So we set out to accomplish this with our family of four. I alone made the summit, due to altitude sickness in the kids at around 14,000 feet (more on this in tomorrow's blog).
I stood atop 14,048 feet of rock and stone, and looked upon the world as few do. Here is proof:
As I walked- veeerrry slowly those last forty feet of elevation, taking ten steps or so at a time, I felt pain, I felt struggle, I gasped for any air I could.
I felt alive.
And as I stood atop the mountain with five strangers, one of them told me- "Soak in your accomplishment." They told me how I had just done something that was difficult, but achieved a goal that many could not, or would not even try. My head hurt, I could not breathe, I was worried about my kids and wife- but I had just done something with my life.
I had lived it.
Live It
Too often, we talk about doing things. We study them, we plan them, we read books or watch movies. But we do not do anything.
There is an episode of Friends where Joey and Chandler think they want to climb Everest because they want to do something with their lives. Quickly, with the help of Phoebe, they talk themselves into only watching the video about Everest, then they talk themselves out of even going to the video store. (Yeah, dated reference. Video stores don't exist anymore, do they?)
I've been in ministry, I've started a church, and I have closed that church. I now find church a difficult event to experience. Part of it is that I have seen a lot of the behind the scenes of church, and it ain't pretty. Part of it is that I loved the church we started, or at least key parts of it, and cannot find something that fits that mold. It's like Frodo tells Sam at the end of Return of the King (movie), "We set out to save the Shire, Sam. And it has been saved. But not for me." He also says, in voiceover: "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back?"
I have visited other churches, and been a part of them. They are great, but I cannot be a part of them.
It is not their fault. I have just lived an experience that changed the way I want to do church. How does that look?
- I do not want to endlessly talk theology- but a conversation every now and then is great.
- I do not want to be guilted into missions, or the modern church's obsession with social justice- but I do want to serve where I am gifted.
- I do not want to go to Sunday School- but I do NEED to find a group that shares life experiences together, successes and struggles.
- I do not want to feel that I must go to church because it is the place to worship- I do want any gathering of two or more in Jesus name to be the Church. (Matthew 18:20)
- I do not want formality- I want reality.
- I do not want to be welcomed because someone has that job- I want to be welcomed because someone is genuinely glad to meet/see me.
- I do not want to be left out because I do not get the inside jokes/special language- I do want to make people feel at home.
- I have wanted to avoid leadership because I have done that and moved on- but God has not.
My experience with our church plant has made it impossible to go back- so I must follow Christ forward.
The Connection
I hiked Handies Peak to feel alive. I want the fellowship of believers I belong to to help me come alive. Many times I wondered if I could finish, or if I should just go back. Back to where there was more oxygen and more firm footing. But I was resolute that I must make that summit. I had to move forward, not back.
Our small group at our last church was amazing. I loved it, and the beginnings of life were kindled again. But I did not connect with the church at large. I realized that what I love most about church is the relationships I build. Those relationships are built in the small gatherings: the home groups, the handful of people getting together to share a common interest, the one-on-one coffee talks. It is here that I come alive. It is the same in my classroom- when I build meaningful relationships with my students, they do better, and I am a much better teacher. Church for me is no longer about music and liturgy and scripture readings and preaching- it is about the people who form it, the people who are wanting a life with Jesus, and wondering how to live it.
Over the last few months, God has used a number of little and big things to call me back to "ministry." I received Senior letters from some students, and several made comments about how I had guided them spiritually. I was surprised, because aside from mentioning that I had pastored, I did not talk about religion or my faith.
But they saw something in how I lived, and cared for and about them.
I realized that I made a difference in their lives by being present and active and real to them- I lived it.
I also began to feel the longing for leading young adults in a journey with Christ. Our church plant, the Gate, had been 95% college students. Conversations with my students at school about their impending college careers reminded me how important this time is in their lives- and how important it had been to me.
I realized that walking with with them made me feel alive and challenged me to be seeking Christ's guidance constantly- I missed that.
I have remembered that many of the most meaningful conversations I have had in my life were in living rooms, coffee houses and sitting in cars. I want the Church to worship in those places.
Part of the reason I left the ministry was that it was difficult and I had burned out. It is still painful to think about going back into that world.
Climbing a 14'er was difficult- but the end result, seeing those vistas, that feeling of accomplishment- it was worth it. Ministry is painful, sacrificial, but I need to be involved in it to feel alive.
Kristin and I have prayed and sought God's guidance, and will be starting a house church in the coming weeks, end of August or early September. Joining us for these Bible Studies does not mean you cannot be a member of involved in another church. We just want this to be a place for followers of Christ to come together for a couple hours a week and then go forth to "live it" together. We hope and pray it will look like this:
- We talk about the things that are on our hearts, then search scripture for guidance.
- Your mission field is where you are- for me, it is my school where I simply live out Christ in love and compassion- but not words.
- We shares life experiences together: successes and struggles.
- No official membership, come when you can.
- We go where the conversation and the Spirit leads each time we gather.
- If you are new, we will want to know more about you- at your own pace.
- We will work hard to avoid creating an atmosphere of exclusivity, meaning kids are welcome in the group during discussion. Obviously, some subjects will require kids to be excused, but I believe children can have wisdom to share and need to see how to journey with Christ.
For four years, I talked about reaching the summit of Handies Peak. Thursday, July 30, 2015, I made it. I lived.
I want my life to be about living, not just surviving. I climb mountains, run Warrior Dashes, riskily paint my house, AND seek and serve Jesus to feel alive. I claim to be a follower of Christ, now I plan to LIVE IT.
(If you live in the College Station area and are interested, email me at chad.lehrmann@gmail.com for more information.)
No comments:
Post a Comment