Getting out of bed wasn't the problem today. I had a kid I had to get to school on time, so I was up and going pretty quick. By ten, I had worked out, mowed the yard (note to self: never do these back to back again), and gotten a shower. More productive than I'd ever been before ten at my old job.
It was while mowing and thinking about the day (Mowing is when I do some of my best thinking. And I almost never run over flowers or small trees because of it.), that this new thought struck me:
I'm not unemployed, just unpaid.
Now for me this is easier to claim than others, perhaps, because I do have a full time job as the pastor of a church- a totally volunteer position. For a long time now, I've been longing for more time to devote to my church and especially the needs of its small congregation. I was already meeting with three students weekly, and a fourth had just asked to start. These were in addition to a weekly meeting with the friend I'm reading the Screwtape Letters (and other books) with. There are some big things coming for the church that will need more time, and there just wasn't any left after work, family, and the current church load. Plus, there's that book I want to write that I have no time for.
Except, I realized as the whirring rotors of the mower trimmed my green grass to a manageable height, I do now.
So I am not unemployed, just unpaid.
Spurred by this positive realization, I began thinking of ways to make actual use of this freedom while I had it. I would start by adding that fourth student to my meeting list. And then make time to write, and plan.
I then went to a job interview for a part-time position with a sound engineering company. Basically, I'd be a cable wrangler and sound tech trainee on call. It wouldn't be much money, but it would be some, and it would be helping learn a new skill. I need more of those anyway.
After lunch, I met with Chase and we chatted about life and plans. Yep, this is employment. And it's what I love to do. I love spending time encouraging and engaging people on a deeper level than the weather and the sports. I also love writing. I love that feeling when words bubble up and just flow from my mind, through my fingers, and onto a screen that then shoots those words all over the world. I love it when something I say, or something I write matters to people- even in small ways. I love it when I make people think about their lives, their struggles, their gifts they've yet to display to the world- but so very much want to. I love when my attempts to reach other people result in me learning something about myself.
Now, if I could just find a way to make THIS employment lucrative enough to pay the bills...
On a less positive note, we took the kids to gymnastics tonight and they sent home flyers for a gymnastics meet that costs $35. Our oldest loves gymnastics, and is really good. The look of disappointment (on both of their faces) that we couldn't afford to go, and that we weren't even sure if we could afford a summer pool pass because of the current situation broke my heart. And made me angry. Hours before I was fired, my former boss sat talking about the new house he was building (while currently owning two, though trying to sell them) and all the money they had to spend, as well as all the money he spends for his daughter (same age as our youngest). Talking of things, and knowing what was coming for me, strikes me as insensitive. I know I need to let it go, but right now, I don't want to. What was done to me was done to my family, not just me.
And that's hard to forgive.
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