{Up until now, Rescued from Lesser Things had been a blog going through the Psalms. Due to changes in my life, it is about a new struggle that is all too common in our modern society- being unemployed. It will be about the hopes and the frustrations, the victories and the setbacks. And hopefully, it will be short lived.}
I’ve never been fired before.
I take some consolation in the fact that most people are fired at some point in their lives- some for malfeasance, some for budget cuts, some on the whims of their employers.
As I stood looking at my now former boss explaining that our working arrangement wasn’t, in fact, working, I felt little pins all over my face, and a rising heat in my face. As he detailed just why I was being let go, any hint of shock was driven out by a feeling of righteous indignation. What he was saying was …just not right. And so, I entered the first emotion of being fired.
Anger
In January, I was, for the first time, told that my work was netting the results they should. I was working hard, but not on the right things. I was told this only when, after two years of no raise, I asked my boss why. As I had done the previous year, and been completely ignored. This time, he addressed me over a breakfast and told me I had until the end of April to figure it out. Taking his directions, I proceeded to do just as he’d asked. I monitored all that I did and saw the results he had asked for.
So it was surprising to me that the third day of April I was being told that my results weren’t changing. That’s when anger rose up. At that first meeting in January, I had sat silently and listened to the accusations, and was agreeable to the changes, even though at the time I had plenty of evidence that there was no merit to the charges- or at least, that the charges were ignoring that other factors were at play I had no control on. Now, I was not going to sit by and take it. I countered that I had implemented all the changes he requested, and could show proof. Then he brought up a phone conversation he had overheard with someone our law firm was filing suit on. He accused me of saying when asked why I posted a note on the door of one of the defendants properties that “It is company policy, and if you want to know why, ask our manager.” When in fact what I said was, “Its company policy to alert anyone living at the site in the suit of the legal action and to determine by posting on the door of the residence a note. If you have a problem with that, you will need to speak with our office manager .” I pointed this out, and he denied that’s what I said. Then, the third thing- the thing I think was at the heart all along was said- they wanted to hire an attorney full time to do the job I was doing. (My wife Kristin pointed out that if they needed a full time attorney just to do what I was doing, I was- as a legal assistant- grossly underpaid.)
Suddenly, what I expected since January was confirmed- no matter what I did, I was not going to save this job. I called him on that, I had counter-pointed every one of his accusations and shown there was no basis for his firing me- yet it was going to happen. I pointed out that there were other employees in violation of company policy- he brushed it aside. Then I realized- I am fighting for a job I hate, that has been sucking my soul dry for years- I was already trying to find other jobs and a teaching job for my wife so I could take a part-time job or a teacher’s aide position so I could have more time to spend with my family and to pastor the church I volunteer to lead. Then the second emotion hit.
Freedom
I was free.
No more driving to work in a hole fifteen minutes from home. No more doing what I didn’t love. I was free to find a new job that allowed me to use my talents and gifts. To find a job that better suited me. In the meantime, I could work more on building our church. I could spend better, more quality time with my wife and kids instead of coming home emotionally drained and often angry from the job I didn’t like. I would miss my co-workers, who I really liked and got along with, but my family and the church we started were my priority.
Before I left the meeting, I was already thinking of the possibilities. Until I got a permanent job, I could substitute teach, I could try to do more pulpit supply, I could watch my kids while Kristin subbed, I could get my certification to teach.
Most importantly, I was free from the mental stress of a job that made me feel worse about myself. See, I was a tax collector. When I talked to people, it was only to bring bad news. I’m a minister, and I want to offer people hope and encouragement and good news- point them to the light. My day job was contrary to my core identity in so many ways that it was affecting my relationship with God.
Now, I was free.
Free to do whatever I wanted.
As long as I could pay the bills. Which is where the third emotion hit.
Anxiety
It’s a terrible time to find a job. Even if I get one at the school, and my wife does as well, then that’s August before we start, September or later before we get paid. We have savings and severance to last for about three months- without the new need to pay for health insurance.
I have been the sole or primary wage earner for my family for the last nine years. Things have always been tight financially, and I am struck with the reality that it will be leaner than ever. Even though we have been wise with our money, owing only for a house and a car, with no credit card debt or (luckily) no medical debt or student loans (thanks to awesome parents) we stand at the brink of serious financial ruin.
And I have no idea what to do, or if it will work out at all.
As a Christian, the church answer is to trust God. And I do. But I also understand that God has not always saved the faithful from ruin and suffering- ask John the Baptist. Ask Jesus. It is too simple to say my anxiety is gone because I place my cares on God’s shoulders- that’s just not true. Maybe I need to trust God more, maybe I need more faith- actually, I know those to be true, no maybes there. But I also want to be honest with my fears and my worries- to God and to others.
I don’t have all the answers, nor will I pretend I do. What I will be is transparent and honest. Sometimes I will offer hope, other times I will vent. If you find yourself in the same boat as me, perhaps we can journey together, and may we all find our hope sooner rather than later.
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