DAY FIFTY ONE: Carry On Wayward Son

There is this feeling I've had about three times now.  It is kind of hard to explain, the best I can come up with is that it feels like an army of ants each carrying an electric shock.  It is sudden, it is brief and it is either located up the back of my neck into the back of my head, or it sits in my throat and into my lower jaw.

The first time I ever felt it, I was getting fired.  The second time was Tuesday when Kristin called to tell me she didn't get the job.  The third time was about two hours after I declared I would choose to hope for just one day- when I got the call that I did not get the job.

I'm sure it is an anxiety thing, some sort of warning system screaming out "Watch out, here comes soul crushing news!"

Whatever it is, I'm tired of getting it.

This morning, I mowed the lawn.  This is thinking time for me, and today it was a conversation with God.  Not terribly different than the ones I've had with Him the last two days, but this time I let Him talk a bit.

I asked Him how it can be good for Him that I tell others "I trust in God, and know He will see me out of something because I faith in His goodness and His power to do something," and then continually face loss.  Since I've known Christ, I've lost all my grandparents, my father, and my father-in-law.  (He responded, that He has given me my wife and children, and those family members I still have.)  I've faced strife from churches I served at- sometimes directed at people other than me, but I got collateral fallout.  Sometimes it was directed at me exclusively and to the point my job was on the line.  (He said that He remembered that one, and reminded me that I should remember that not only did my job not disappear, but those coming after me were pretty well silenced by the defense of other people.)  I was fired.  (God reminded me I asked to get out of that job, frequently.)  Then I quoted Psalm 69:6:  "May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, The LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel."  The truth is, I now there are people watching me.  Some are praying for me, and yes, some are watching to see if I fall.  Others are watching to see if God really will help someone who claims to follow Him.  I believe that when someone says they are trusting God, or trying to, and yet never see God rescue them, it makes those who are not sure about God all the more leery. 

God's response was Romans 15:13- "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

This stings a bit, because in college, it was my favorite verse.  I liked the word 'overflow.'  Why had this verse popped into my mind unless the Spirit was telling me something.  And then it hit me:  "as you trust in Him."  I can only have hope, if I trust in Him.  Now, I don't think that means that until this week, I didn't trust Him enough.  

But I am beginning to think I didn't trust Him long enough.  

All Because Of A Song

I was sitting at Sonic during Happy Hour, because someone had drank all the cold Dr. Pepper at home and neglected to tell me, when it came on.  It is my favorite song, and pretty much has been since I first discovered it watching Supernatural, one of my favorite shows.  The show is the story of two brothers who hunt monsters.  But they discover they have a destiny, and well, it sucks.  They are going to basically die to start the pseudo-Biblical end times.  So, they go off script and make their new destiny to save the world.

They are most definitely underdogs, with only a handful of hunters like themselves, a single angel, and God who seems...rather quiet.  And distant.  It is why this song is so appropriate for the show. 

And for me.



The song played as I got my Route 44, and the theme of the song hit me:  Don't give up.  Life is hard.  Rest is coming, but not yet.  The brothers in Supernatural get angry at God, but at a key point, one of them simply says, "Help me."  And their road doesn't end, and it doesn't get easier.  But they carry on.  They are the wayward sons.

I too have gotten/am angry with God.  But I am also saying "Help me."  I am a wayward son.  So, I must carry on.

I still don't know if a job will come for me or Kristin.  But I am realizing that I've spent time trying to conjure hope, when I cannot make my own.  My energy is better spent trusting God and letting Him fill me with hope to overflow.

But it is not easy, and I am not "all better."  Not yet.  I still need to see some victory, I still need to see God show up and show off.  Not just for me and my family, but for those watching who also need a reminder that God works. 



For we are all wayward sons and daughters.  Let us carry on together.