Today, I woke up with a hope that was amazing and filling. I just knew everything was going to be all right because God would never let us suffer. I mean, He never lets His children suffer, right?
Sunshine and Rainbows.
That's what kind of Christianity that is to me. It feels good to say and hear, but it lacks any real substance. It feels like a facade because God absolutely let's us suffer for no good reason other than to prove a point. I give you Job.
And I did not wake up with that attitude.
I woke up still tired.
Some friends of ours from Seymour, the Hanks, were in town and stopped by for a chat. Before they got here, I rushed to work out and spend some time beating some of my frustration into the punching bag, then we cleaned house a bit. Then I hauled some branches to the side of the road because the storm last night blew them down. (That storm produced a double rainbow, by the way. Cute, God, but I need a job more than a cool light show. And yes, maybe it was His way of trying to say He's got this, but I was still a little angry. And, well, Sunshine and Rainbows.)
The visit was good, and caught up on their lives as they listened to us vent and talk about our lives. After lunch, Leslie went to a book discussion group at the library and the rest of us ran errands.
Throughout the day, Kristin would say she is still choosing to hope, and if I choose not to, that's OK. She'll hope for both of us. Meanwhile, I was wanting to simple adopt a "Carpe Diem" attitude. Really, it is more of a do whatever I can to enjoy myself- buy what I want, eat out- indulge myself in simple pleasures to get a little enjoyment each day. And not be concerned about the money running out. Not sound financial planning, and I'm pretty sure Dave Ramsey and Suze Orman would want to slap me around a bit, but I really didn't care.
But there is something to that idea of just living for today, and that thought took root. Through conversations through the day, from the Hanks to Kristin to Daniel over coffee, I related this idea, and naturally, received skeptical looks. But I also began to realize that my unhappiness and my trouble trusting God was directly related to my struggle with knowing the long term answers.
I cannot, at this moment, trust God for two months down the road, a month, or even a week.
But I can, and I must (despite my own objections) trust Him for today. I can do that. If I trust that my needs- physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual- are met for just today, I am re-learning to trust God. And in that, I am finding a happiness for the day, a hope for the day.
And if I survive this day, tomorrow I will wake and seek to trust Him again for that day. Maybe one day I will wake and say, "Today, I woke up with a hope that was amazing and filling." And it will be a long term hope. Maybe it will be tomorrow.
But I'm not gonna worry about it today. Today I'm just gonna trust that God will get me through this day, and enjoy it while I can.
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